one month mark

With the one month mark just around the corner, I am feeling like it's time to come clean. Despite how determined I've been to make the most out of this situation and the tablespoonfuls of optimism I've been piling on every baguette, salad, cut of veal, and piece of chocolate that I shove in my mouth hoping it will cure the ebbing doubt, I kinda hate it here. The more au pair blogs I read about how the girls were so unhappy with their original families, but once they worked up the courage to stand up for themselves, and subsequently made the "change", the more I know that I am not alone in this and that I must follow suit. I know that I will feel extremely terrible and guilty if I do end up changing, but it can't be worse than how I feel now. I've given it my best shot. I'll talk to Jacques during our aperitif, Friday, and we'll see how it goes from there. 

But if I do have to change, I know it will be for the best. As quickly as January passed, I don't want to be like this for seven more months. Who knows though, maybe Jacques will really respond to my demands and I'll live happily ever after here. I kind of doubt that though. I think part of me wants him to kick me to the curb. I have no idea if he will accept my proposal, but even if he does, I don't know if I could ever be truly happy in this house. Like Amityville Horror, there is just too much pain. It oozes out from the un-grouted cracks in the floor makes the air toxic. Remember how I said Jacques was telling me his story with his house? This is this story he has to tell. He is in so much pain. The boys are too. And it hurts me just as much to see them act out the way they do. AND I AM SO TIRED FROM WORKING 40+ HOUR WEEKS. And from not sleeping. I told Ricky that I am living The Feminine Mystique. It is actually probably a good thing that I read that right away. It has helped me to see what I need to do not only to stay me but to pick up where I left off after high school and really start to grow again. I need to confront Jacques 

In other news it is absolutely beautiful today.